Ask Klarg! Self Help from a Uniquely Reptilian Point of View
My husband continually bites my head off when I don't have dinner ready for him when he arrives from work. How can I persuade him to be more reasonable and understand that I have a life too! --Harried housewife!
Dear Put upon wife creature:
Ummm..aargghh!! Husband bit you. Hisss...Must bite back, teach lesson! Bite between twenty third and twenty fourth vertebrae, and husband head come off easy! Harrr... mmmm...
My kids are so unruly! They are driving me nuts and won't listen to me. Punishments don't seem to help. What should I do? --Brooding!
Dear Brood Mistress:
umrumrummmm!! Klarg have same problem with own spawn. When spawn not leave nest after hatching, Klarg open mouth to scold. Spawn laugh. Klarg close mouth, eat spawn. Teach lesson to the rest!! Harrrr!! Shabbaaaa!!!
How can I reach the seventh level of flow like transcendence where I can be intrinsically impelled to become one with the diety? Dr. C.
Dear Inner Child Omelet:
Kassarmmmm. Come to Klarg. Your hunger for wisdom make me hungry. Will bring you to seventh level of my Gorn baster oven. UMMMM.
I seem to have a big problem picking up girls, even though I am good looking, have a nice personality, and a good job. What should I do? Dick
Dear Dick Job:
Spasss.....uzzz, smaaaza! Like chameleon, must puff up self to get female to offer egg sac. Try to mount before molting season, when female most receptive to your multi-pronged tong. If not work, then just pay money. That work with all species. jaavaanannooooooo.... fleeep!
I am an American soldier on an unnamed battlefield, poised to invade another country and quite possibly may have to kill. Klarg, I don't want to kill! As a peaceful emissary from a wise alien race, tell me what to do! Doughboy
Dear Dough-boy Scuzzball:
Aaargh, flizzmmmm! Klarg have similar problem with fighting the Kyrk many cycles ago. Was to kill Kyrk and Enterpryse, but was beamed down in surprise to planet with the Kyrk to fight hand to claw. Soon, had big rock in claws to squash Kyrk, but Kyrk shot me with propulsive pebbles. Ow! Kyrk took knife to kill me, but could not kill. Then owner of planet appeared. Said he was French, and said it was good not to kill, and then beamed Klarg and Kyrk back to ships.
Klarg reasoning with Kyrk
Back on Gorn vessel, Klarg thought about lesson learned, about how it is good not to kill. Klarg thought and thought, and then had idea. Took Gorn weapon of mass destruction, and sent down to French planet. French planet now pretty ball of flame!
SSShazzzammmmmmm! Maybe not good to kill, but what do you expect from alien lizard man?